Wednesday, September 2, 2009

What happened to "my" muse?

You know, something I always wonder about is what happened to my creativity. I used to be very creative. Loved to draw, write, played organ. When I was a teenager I used to write a lot of short stories. I shared them with my German Class Teacher and she supported me and said I should turn them in but I never did. She always said I shouldn't stop writing but I did. It somehow faded and I didn't have anything to write about.

This for example was my last drawing. It is like I lost my writing and drawing skills overnight. It's gone. I can't get anything on the paper anymore and I don't know why I have that bareer. Maybe it's because everybody told me not to be stupid and that I am an adult now (when I was 18) and that I should learn something solid.

It is not perfect. I know very well that I wasn't perfect but I had talent. Yet I was always told "Don't be stupid..."
There are so many things I wanted to do. My biggest dream was to become a Cop. Oh my god I so wanted to be a Cop. Even had an internship for a couple of weeks but that dream was gone when I found out that I wouldn't pass the medical part because I got run over by a car when I was 13 and sat in a wheelchair for about a year.
So I had to find something else I am interested in.
History, Archeology was a huge thing for me but again "Don't be stupid..."

Until today I am looking for the perfect career. I don't know what to do with my life. I am seriously lost and I shouldn't be because I am 30 years old and a grown woman, right?
I'd love to be a professional dog handler and again I am told "Don't be stupid, you are to old..."

So what is it that I can't seem to find anything that suits my interests, that gives me that feeling that I don't have a place in this world? Right now I am a housewife and not even good at that.

Vet tech would be something and I wanted to look into it but somehow I am stuck as long as we are in Germany. I can't do any of the stuff I want to do while we are over here. We don't have enough time left to start anything and my husband wants me to wait until we are in the States which is probably the best thing I can do at this point. The only thing I can work on are my dog handling skills. Maybe I can ask for an internship at the Vet and volunteer. That would be an option, I guess.

However, I gotta get ready to go to the Schutzhund Club now.


Kelly said...

Wow, kinda seems like we are at the same place right now. I'm about to turn 30 and feel like I still have no idea "what I want to be when I grow up". I hope you find your passion!

Bettina said...

STOPP IT. Stop listening to what others think is rational!!!!!!!! Seriously! It is your life, take it and make what you want with it and don't let anyone else influence you! If someone thinks a career is wearing suits and talking about how bad the oil price is - that's their opinion. Great, let them go an buy icecream or WHATEVER else ;)
Ask yourself: you are only 30. what can you do right now? How long are you still in Germany? In what direction do you want to go? Is there a chance to get in touch with that while you are here? Interships, mini jobs, real job, honorary post?
Don't do the worst thing ever: do nothing about it.
Wenn man mal nach dem offiziellen Rentenalter geht kannst du auch gern immer noch länger arbeiten als du eigentlich lebst, klingt das nicht toll? :D

Vesper said...

I suck at being a housewife. I hate ironing, doing laundry, cooking, I just suck at all this! I'm a Historian. I have my degree, but I am not using it right now, which gets frustrating for me. I feel stupid and I look stupid to my family and friends back in my home state. All I can do now is do what I think is right for this season of my life. It's frustrating, but it sucks when you are not doing what you want to do. Just think for yourself, and make choices on what YOU THINK you should do for yourself.

C N Heidelberg said...

I used to draw too. I wasn't exactly discouraged - it was more that I was supposed to keep that up PLUS go for a brainy career. Well, something had to go. :/ You should pick it up again. You might be surprised at how quickly you get back up to speed. :)

Sandra said...

@Bettina: thanks for kicking my butt :)

@Vesper: Oh gosh, I hate doing laundry so much. It is more like a torture. If you want to torture me lock me into a room and make me do laundry all day long. It's my personal nightmare...

@CN Heidelberg: I tried to pick it up again but there is that bareer that I can't overcome. I don't know what it is but I am always sitting there and don't know where to start. I guess I have to try harder.

satakieli said...

I've found that when you're stuck like this you just have to do as much as you can to get towards your dream. I haven't been able to work for a long time, because I'm not an American or German citizen. I don't have any qualifications in anything so people think I'm just a brainless housewife ;)

So I've been furthering myself as much as I can at home, writing articles and submitting them to places without receiving payment etc just to prepare myself. You don't have to get paid for something for it to look good on a resume further down the line.

I'm going to get my transcript over from England and finish my degree. Get my masters and become a librarian, but it all takes time. Instead of getting frustrated I am just doing what I can.

Just keep shooting towards what you want to do and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

C N Heidelberg said...

You don't need any particular ideas to get started - just doodle. I do that in order to keep myself feeling like I haven't totally lost it - I just draw a few shapes and shade them in while I'm on the phone, or make elaborate symmetrical flowery designs to clear my mind at work. It's pointless, but it could help get you going, and there's no pressure to produce anything in particular. :)

Sandra said...

Ah, yeah I usually do trees and flowers when i am on the phone LOL. Or those little huntinghouses and horseheads. Other than that, when it comes up to serious stuff I am stuck.