Head over Heels into Dog Handling

I don't know what happened the past two years and there is no excuse. Too much fast food, beer, no workout, mainly sitting on a desk all day long won't do you any good.

This is the oldest picture I have so far:

Pretty nice, huh?

Than I have changed to this:

Had a really good time and kept losing weight.

One of the very few pics of me and my sister.
After that I gained a little bit of weight:

One of my best friends Chris and me.

My very best friend Menno and me.

But I still felt very attractive.

Even more attractive than ever.

Kept it like that for a while.

I loved my body; felt like a real woman

I had the best time of my life.

Another surgery...

Moved into a new place shortly after...


Changed again:

Still felt great, attractive and ambitious to conquer the whole world.

Than I moved here and got to know him.

Can you tell the difference? I started to gain weight. Partying every weekend with him, lots of fast food and all that soda, no workout like he had took it's toll. On top of that sitting eight or more hours in school and more studying at home I ended up like THIS:

It is the first time I am posting that picture. I hate it. I hate to see myself like that, yet I have nobody else to blame but me. It's a totally different person. I don't even look like me.

Still feeling uncomfortable.

And I can't blame my age either. I am not even 30 yet...
Feeling much better but still too big.

Much much much much better... and somewhat attractive again but only because Quasi makes me feel attractive. He made me feel like I am the most beautiful woman on earth that day.

Still, I have to do and change something... I need to. Not because others want me to but because I want to. I feel ugly and fat. Quasi loves me the way I am. He loves me either way. To him I am the most beautiful woman. But I feel ugly and fat, sometimes I feel attractive but mainly ugly and fat. My joints and back hurts, I can't find anything nice to wear and I just want to be myself again.

My friend Liz took this picture today.

I should have never let it come to this. It's my fault and my fault only. I've never been skinny. I've always had curves but I loved these curves. I know these curves make me a woman and heck I felt sexy as hell. I don't even want to be skinny like all these models you can see on commercials.

You know, there are all these big people out there that say "Hey, I feel good!"
But how can they feel good when they breath like a cow just because they walked up some stairs? How can they feel good if they can't find anything to wear? How can they feel good if they barely can put on the seat belt? How can they feel good if they can't even see their own feet? I barely can tie my own shoes, I have a hard time to get up from the couch. Seriously...stop lying to yourself. It's just another lie so you don't have to move your fat ass to the gym. But hey, if you like it that way, keep on lying to yourself and make your life more miserable. I realized that I have to change something. Every day I tell myself that I have to go to the gym but somehow I never make it. I know I have to change something, I have to start working out again . Tmorrow I'm going swimming, that's for granted!